I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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