It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
