we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
