It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
