her vagine was all disorganized.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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