***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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