My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
