My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
