Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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