I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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