All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
