I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude i'm inner monologue high
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
