After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
