I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I have grass duct taped all over my body
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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