this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
