i don't like sucking hair
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
