My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Mom said you looked used
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
