We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize