You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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