her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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