Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
