i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
