I will die if light touches me.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
