she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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