dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize