I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
