you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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