My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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