Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
