Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
