4 words: hood of his car
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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