yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
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