If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
