fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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