I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
