im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
