In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
