Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.