Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
