dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
