just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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