i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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