My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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