$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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