I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
