I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
