I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
