his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
