Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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