I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
