Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
