Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
