Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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