apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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