we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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