hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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